Posted by: Philip Carr-Gomm | April 25, 2011

Re-Boot Your Husband

This little gem doing the rounds popped into my mailbox sent to me since I have been running on Husband for many years now (you can guess who sent it!). I had no idea the system suffered from these problems…
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.
In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Rugby, Football, Sailing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
………………………………………………………………………………………
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: ‘http: I Thought You Loved Me.html’ and try to download Tears.
Don’t forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers, but remember – overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.
In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.
Good Luck,
Tech Support


Responses

  1. I don’t know why we bother with all these technical innovations. Back in the Stone Age, before Husband was developed, we used Boyfriend in series. This worked quite well with the occasional murder to keep them fresh. We had also a closer to natural rhythm, Boyfriend being quite a slow application. Eight hours download, eight hours sleep, eight hours berry-picking and bone-gnawing while telling porkies round the campfire. All resulted in a formidable tribal odoriferous Firewall. No civilisation necessitating air-freshener apps leaving one vulnerable to lions or Googlisation. The horrible games Work and Ambition had not trojanned the Civilisation virus.

    I found a note from the aliens the other day.

    ‘Civilisation global. Recommend 10k asteroidal reboot.’

    It was undated.

    X

  2. INSTALLING LOVE

    *Customer Service: Can you install Love?

    Customer: I can do that. I’m not very technical, but I think I’m ready
    to install now. What do I do first?

    Service: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart?

    Customer: Yes, I have, but there are several programs running right now.
    Is it okay to install while they are running?

    Service: What programs are running?

    Customer: Let me see… I have Pasthurt.exe, Lowesteem.exe, Grudge.exe
    and Resentment.com running right now.

    Service: No problem. Love will automatically erase Pasthurt.exe from
    your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory,
    but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually
    overwrite Lowesteem.exe with a module of its own, called Highesteem.exe.
    However, you have to completely turn off Grudge.exe and Resentment.com
    . Those programs prevent Love from being properly
    installed.
    Can you turn those off?

    Customer: I don’t know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

    Service: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke Forgiveness.exe.
    Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge.exe and Resentment.com
    have been completely erased.

    Customer: Okay, I’m done. Love has started installing itself
    automatically. Is that normal?

    Service: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will
    reinstall for the life of your Heart. Do you see that message?

    Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?

    Service: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need
    to begin connecting to other Hearts to get the upgrades.

    Customer: Oops… I have an error message already. What should I do?

    Service: What does the message say?

    Customer: It says “Error 412 — Program not run on internal components.”
    What does that mean?

    Service: Don’t worry, that’s a common problem. It means that the Love
    program is set up to run on external Hearts but has not yet been running
    on your Heart. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in
    non-technical terms it means that you have to “love” your own machine
    before it can “love” others.

    Customer: So what should I do?

    Service: Can you find the directory called “Self-acceptance”?

    Customer: Yes, I have it.

    Service: Excellent, you are getting good at this.

    Customer: Thank you.

    Service: You’re welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them
    to the “Myheart” directory: Forgiveself.doc, Selfesteem.txt,
    Realizeworth.txt and Goodness.doc. The system will overwrite conflicting
    files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to
    delete “Selfcriticize.exe” from all directories, and then empty your
    recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never
    comes back.

    Customer: Got it! Wow! My Heart is filling up with really neat files.
    Smile.mpg is playing on my monitor right now, and it shows that
    Warmth.com , Peace.exe and Contentment.com
    are copying themselves all over my Heart!

    Service: Then Love is installed and running. You should be able to
    handle it from here. One more thing before I go…

    Customer: Yes?

    Service: Love is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to
    everybody you are meeting. They will in turn share it with other people,
    and they will return some really neat modules back to you.

    Customer: I will. Thank you for your help.

    Service: You’re very welcome.

    Courtesy: Krupa Darshan, Ranjit Mayekar, USA *

  3. this is so funny, we love it 😀

  4. Aha This is a whole meme/genre …just been directed to this:

    Upgrading to Wife 1.0

    Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it’s a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

    Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3 , Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pubnite 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before).

    Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

    Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:

    A “don’t remind me again” button.
    Minimize button.
    Ability to delete the “headache” file
    An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0 version without loss loss of other system resources.
    An option to run the network driver in “promiscuous mode” allowing the the system’s Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective.

    I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0. Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first, otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2.

    To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn’t work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0!
    VIRUS ALERT

    All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won’t install and you will get an “insufficient resources” error message. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and “never” run any file transfer applications(such as Laplink) between the two systems.

    FYI: Don’t even think about a shared directory!!!!!!!!!
    From http://www.annoyances.org/exec/show/article09-132

  5. One thing I found out is when I downloaded the Husband operating system, it included a wonderful program called honeymoon. However, nowhere did it mention that the license for this program expires one year from the date of upgrade. Does anyone know of a way to renew this license? 🙂


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