Posted by: Philip Carr-Gomm | February 28, 2011

IKEA Was Here Before the Druids & Before Stonehenge

Text reads: Important! Ensure all components are free from mud, dung and evil spirits before assembly. Wear appropriate safety equipment (spear, flint knife etc.) in the event of bears. Small parts are not included. If plagued by demons or suffering from pestilence, seek advice from a druid before attempting assembly. May contain quartz.

(c) QI Ltd / Faber. Published in the QI H Annual. Written by Justin Pollard with input from John Lloyd and Stevyn Colgan.


Responses

  1. Brilliant :)

  2. I Can’t Stop Laughing. This is almost as funny as Mr. Kahdafi’s exhortation to his people to “dance and sing”(?).

  3. Double brilliant!

  4. love it!!

  5. very funny guys brightened my day no end hehe

  6. The final result looks a lot like the last bookshelf I tried to build from Ikea. Well spotted Philip, thanks for posting this :)

  7. Of course. That’s how they got the stones there. They were flat packed. Just wait for a good freeze and slide away.

  8. Nice post. It’s easy to romanticize about the Druids but Caesar wrote about them and was convinced they partook in human sacrifice. The only way they could please the gods was to kill people, criminals if possible but if not, someone had to get it.

    “The whole Gallic nation is virtually a prey to superstition, and this makes the serious invalids or those engaged in battle or dangerous exploits sacrifice men instead of animals. They even vow to immolate themselves, using the Druids as their ministers for this purpose. They feel that the spirit of the gods cannot be appeased unless a man’s life is given for a life.

    Public sacrifices of the same sort are common. Another practice is to make images of enormous size, with the limbs woven from osiers [willows]. Living human beings are fitted into these, and, when they are set on fire, the men are engulfed in the flames and perish. The general feeling is that the immortal gods are better pleased with the sacrifice of those caught in theft, robbery or some other crime. But if a supply of such criminals is lacking, then they resort to the sacrifice of completely innocent victims. . . ”

    How much of this is true and how much was propaganda is difficult to say, but the chances are there was some truth to the accusations.

    http://www.primarysourcebook.com/ancient/human-sacrifice-and-the-druids-by-julius-caesar

  9. @Auron if we’re gonna get “real”, firstly, Stonehenge wasn’t built by Druids (pre-dates them by quite a bit) and as for Roman’s and their “horror” at human sacrifice, what was the colosseum if not ritualuzed bloodsport to honor their gods and awe their enslaved masses. Ceasar was in denial about so many things.

  10. :0) Wonderful! The one and only time I have been to IKEA, I was in there for eight hours! It was like one of those tales of unsuspecting souls being taken to the otherworld for what seemed like minutes, returning to find that years have passed and they have grown old and tired!

  11. [...] http://philipcarrgomm.wordpress.com/2011/02/28/ikea-was-here-before-the-druids-before-stonehenge/ - made me laugh out loud [...]

  12. XD It’s true! I’m sure that’d be a stone into the cauldron if one was bold enough to make the claim that Swedes made Stonehenge!

    Cheers

  13. But wait– where are the allen wrenches?

    • Those wretched little Allen keys hadn’t been invented by Ikea scientists yet.

  14. were there any unexplained bits let over, spare screws, the odd plank, …..sorry thats MFI not Ikea…

  15. I think we need another version – perhaps the MFI West Kennet Long Barrow flat-pack?

  16. lol LOVE IT :D

  17. We know!
    http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2008/may/27/flatpackfurnituresdebt

  18. ROTFL — brill!!!

  19. Haha HENJ lol
    However, For any who are interested in helping to return the Stonehenge Ancestors, I am sharing my new machinima film
    Stonehenge Is Our Temple
    Please sign the e-petition in link below film and share the film so others will get the message, thank you ~

  20. I seriously never have trouble putting Ikea stuff together. I build a kitchen and half a library all by myself XD No unexplained spare parts, no need for help and the oldest Ikea thing I have is going to pass 10 years of age soon. The only thing which annoyed me is that you got home and the attach-to-wall screws are not included and you have to go out again -lol-
    Love the Hënj though… Don’t give them ideas…


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